Late-night hosts talked Donald Trump’s defense in his classified documents case and his claim that everyone wants to be his running mate in 2024.

Seth Meyers

“It feels like there’s nothing new we could possibly learn about Joe Biden and Donald Trump, given that they’ve both been running for president against each other for what feels like 3,000 years,” said Seth Meyers on Thursday’s Late Night. “But we actually have learned one new thing about Donald Trump that we didn’t know when he was president: the guy fucking loves court. He’s always there.

“I’m starting to think Trump likes it because it’s the one place he can go where everyone’s forced to talk to him,” he added. “Court is basically Trump’s Cheers.”

Trump showed up to a hearing in Florida for his classified documents case on Thursday even though he didn’t actually have to be there. His lawyers were trying to get the charge that he mishandled the documents tossed by claiming that the documents were “personal”, and thus his. “But they’re not his! They were marked classified. If it’s classified, then it can’t be your personal property,” said Meyers. “The only people who mark their personal property ‘classified’ are teenagers who definitely want someone to read their diary.”

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Meyers also referenced the ex-Mar-a-Lago employee who described in an interview with CNN how he helped load several boxes of classified documents on to a plane at the West Palm Beach airport, and witnessed Trump share information about US nuclear submarines to the Australian billionaire and club member Anthony Pratt.

“This should be a massive scandal. That’s the literal definition of buying access,” said Meyers. “A billionaire gave Trump money to be a member of his club, and in return Trump gave that billionaire sensitive national security secrets. It’s insane. I mean, who else was Trump selling access to – spies, lobbyists? Anyone Trump talks to. So basically, anyone except Eric.”

Jimmy Kimmel

In Los Angeles, Jimmy Kimmel also recapped Trump’s day in court. “The fun thing about these hearings is you don’t know if he’s going to show up,” he said. “He doesn’t have to come, but he sometimes does. It’s like when you go on a boat and sometimes you see a whale and sometimes you don’t.”

Of the classified documents case, Kimmel added: “Not only is this the first time a former president has been charged with illegally removing or withholding classified documents, it’s also the first time a former president used classified documents to decorate his bathroom.

“Trump claims the documents were his to do with as he pleased, but his claim is complicated by the fact that they were not. They were not his,” he explained.

“What’s still a mystery is why a bunch of top-secret documents were taken by a president who by all accounts does not read,” he quipped.

The judge in the case, Aileen Cannon, who has thus far showed favoritism toward the man who appointed her, even seemed skeptical of his defense, saying: “It’s difficult to see how this gets you to the dismissal of an indictment.”

“Can you imagine if she rules against him in this?” Kimmel wondered. “I mean, we are going to see nicknames like we have never seen before. Maybe Trump will just claim it was AI that took the documents.”

Stephen Colbert

And on The Late Show, Stephen Colbert mocked Trump’s interview with the Newsmax “journalist” Greg Kelly, in which the former president claimed everyone in politics wants to be his running mate: “There’s not a person in politics who doesn’t want it. And that includes Democrats … I’d have anybody I want.”

“Then do it, coward! Trump-Bernie 2024, do it!” Colbert retorted.

“The whole interview had a real ‘dear leader’ state-run TV vibes,” he added, pointing to a question in which Kelly asked Trump whether he’d considered that he’d been protected by “the hand of God”.

“Quick follow-up: is it true that you are the chosen one?” Colbert deadpanned. “The Kwisatz Haderach who can bring balance to the force, defeat Voldemort, free us from the matrix and then feed a hungry world by letting us all suckle on your bountiful blessed teats? My lord, may I motorboat you?”

Later in the interview, Trump said he took the classified documents to Mar-a-Lago “very legally”.

“OK, saying you did something ‘very legally’ really makes it sound like you broke the law,” said Colbert. “‘Look, I went for a drive very legally, very soberly, and I drove into extremely no living rooms and as a result, a tremendous amount of my wife is very not divorcing me.’”